Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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