highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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