I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
