If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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