New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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