I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
