I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
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my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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