Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
