Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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