you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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