You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
