Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
