Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
