youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
