Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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