we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
