not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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