I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
