I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
