What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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