i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
