I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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