My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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