I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
