3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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