im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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