This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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