I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
