I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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