I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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