So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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