I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
one might say we're banned from that church
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
