He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
