i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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