The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
