I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
