if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
there is glitter all over my balls
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