he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
