saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
