My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
