The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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