Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
