There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
