An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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