I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
