I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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