remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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