Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
