So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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