there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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