I'm jealous of your bromance
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I fill condoms, not promises.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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