Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
