I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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