Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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