he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
