from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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