there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
they're like a gay fantastic four
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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