sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
